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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in Cara's LiveJournal:

Friday, April 6th, 2001
7:25 pm
farewell ...
im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. i truly do feel like the worst person on earth right now. please dont continue to make me feel like crap because i dont think i can take it anymore .... im sorry....a thousand times im sorry....

no more online journal for me, it was intended to help me .... its just hurting people....so im sorry

.end transmission.

2:32 am
disclaimer....
i just want to apologize for the previous post. I dont want some of my current friends to get the wrong idea. There are some of you that I completely love to death, please don't take offense.

Current Mood: worried
1:06 am
whats up with that clock?
hey look, no one said anything ... all fixed....i wish.

Current Mood: discontent
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2001
8:40 pm
just another day livin in the hood, just another day around the way...
::yeah, so, I'm a dork, we know this already. Nothing entirely exciting happened today. Routine as always. We're now talking about death in English. This is NOT a fun topic for me. I've had to deal with death far too often and I still have not yet accepted it, so it's really difficult for me to talk about it. My professor gets mad b.c we don't talk as much as the other class, which we dont, but this is not just a topic I dont want to talk about, its one I CANT talk about. I can't discuss it and keep my composure. Just sitting there made so many memories flood into my head. I wanted so badly to just get up and leave, but I can't miss another class or I'll be dropped. Grrr....
::guys are really confusing. I've been chatting with this one guy online for a few weeks now. He seemed really cool at first, and I still really want to get to know him better [and in person since we live in the same town], but he keeps having what i like to call "asshole lapses". Like, all of a sudden he'll be a jerk. And when I call him on it, he flips it around and tries to make me feel bad, and attacks his own self esteem at the same time. I dont know if he has a self-esteem complex and uses the being a jerk as a defense mechanism or if he uses a self-esteem complex to justify being a jerk. Its really confusing for me. I REALLY like him as a person [minus the asshole lapses], but I can't be his friend if he wont let me. And I wont be his friend if he's only trying to get into my pants. Im not quite sure what to do here. I'm talking to Adam, so that helps .. he kinda helps put things into perspective for me. I always want to assume the best in people, and thats not always a safe thing for me to do. So, I'm still really confused about this guy, and I'm not sure what to do about him ..... any suggestions?

Current Mood: confused
Monday, April 2nd, 2001
4:23 pm
fingerpaint is fun..
I dont know why exactly that is my topic because im doing absolutely nothing involving fingerpaint, but oh well, its the first thing that popped into my head. So, im in slighty better spirits today. [[ Thank you Josh, you ripp! I love you to pieces. ]] I still think boys suck, b.c they'll act one way one day and another way the next [when they realize they're not gonna get into your pants]. So, cara gets her hopes up and then gets let down. Adam has definitely been my complete lifeline lately. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I'm really starting to be dependent on him. I get really sad when he's not around, and everytime i sign on im crossing my fingers that he'll be there. Its hard to actually talk to him b.c he lives in AZ and all and I cant afford a phone bill that high. So, I make due. I used to have romantic feelings for him, and believe me, a really big part of me still does, but I feel so much better just having him in my life; as a friend or whatever. So, if by some chance hes reading this: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME .....theres no way you can understand how much you mean to me.

Current Mood: peaceful
Sunday, April 1st, 2001
11:51 pm
bored
Ok, so life is really boring. I'm feeling unloved and I'm feeling like I don't really belong anywhere. It sucks, but hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon. I'm tired and sick of sharing a computer, so Im gonna head out...night night

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, March 21st, 2001
5:26 pm
Boringness....
So, another day has come and almost gone. Again, nothing has made me very happy today. My head hurts and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I just wish that things were going a bit better for me......ok, well, a lot better. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time, and I miss feeling like things are at least vaguely ok. I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life right now. For one, I hate the way I look....I have THE lowest self-esteem imaginable. Secondly, school is kicking my ass. I'm afraid of dissapointing my parents and more importantly myself. I'm not happy with my social situation here at school. I love my friends that I have, dont get me wrong, but I miss having friends that I have more in common with. I miss being able to mention a band and a friend be like, "yeah, they rock" or "they suck" rather than being the one who introduces the music to everyone else. I miss having friends who are just like, "im going to ambush, come with me"....my friends here arent like that. I don't like them any less because of it, I just wish that I had the kind of friends that I have back home here at school. Then, theres the omnipresent issue of me not having a boyfriend. Im not like boy crazy or anything, but it would be nice to feel important to someone in that way. I've only really felt like that once in my life, and even then, his feelings changed so quickly, and he messed with my head so much, that im not sure what to believe about him. i dont know...i guess i just feel like im missing out on something that so many other people are a part of. blah...life is so complicated...

Current Mood: exhausted
12:59 pm
Death to Chemistry....
Ok, so my chemistry test bit the big one. I thought I'd go eat breakfast before the test [which is something I never do]...but I was so nervous that I ralphed right after I ate. And I got a big fat 70 on the test...which sucked, but whatever, whats done is done. I have a lot to say about stuff, but I'll write later...

Current Mood: indifferent
Tuesday, March 20th, 2001
11:32 pm
Dig me a hole....pleeeeeeease
I really would appreciate if someone could please dig a hole for me to climb into. I just want to crawl into a hole and die right about now. What a shitty day!! And shitty days spill over into shitty weeks, which spill over into shitty months.......and thus the trend continues. I am in such a funk right now. Nothing makes me happy, which really sucks b.c i love being happy and i enjoy life so much when Im happy....being sad all the time sucks. Theres so many reasons why I'm unhappy right now, but I don't have time to get into them. I'll divulge more information tomorrow.....as for now.....goodnight kids

Current Mood: exhausted
6:15 pm
why did that show up 3 times?
And my computer is being dumb and posting things three times. . . make the day stop!
6:13 pm
why did that show up 3 times?
And my computer is being dumb and posting things three times. . . make the day stop!
6:12 pm
Grrrrrr.......
ok, ive come to the conclusion that GUYS SUCK !!! I'd really like to meet some that redeem the rest of them, b.c right now I know very few good ones.

oh, yeah, and I have a big fat chem test tomorrow.

And its been raining and cold all day.

This day sucks.

Current Mood: angry
6:11 pm
Grrrrrr.......
ok, ive come to the conclusion that GUYS SUCK !!! I'd really like to meet some that redeem the rest of them, b.c right now I know very few good ones.

oh, yeah, and I have a big fat chem test tomorrow.

And its been raining and cold all day.

This day sucks.

Current Mood: angry
6:09 pm
Grrrrrr.......
ok, ive come to the conclusion that GUYS SUCK !!! I'd really like to meet some that redeem the rest of them, b.c right now I know very few good ones.

oh, yeah, and I have a big fat chem test tomorrow.

And its been raining and cold all day.

This day sucks.

Current Mood: angry
Monday, March 19th, 2001
4:09 pm
figuring out this livejournal.com stuff...
Well, here I am. I have an online journal....fun stuff. The trick is figuring all of this stuff out and deciding which options Id like to use, and so forth. I'll keep you posted on the days events
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